Sometimes I wonder why God gives me these kind of days (not that I have them often). Maybe to throw me off? Most likely... I guess things would get dull if the same thing happened everyday.
Well, it started early this morning... I don't know what time it was, it was still dark outside (my guess- it was like 3:28). I just suddenly woke up and thought about my Grandpa. Not really weird, I guess.... except for my Grandpa has been dead for about 4 years. I just started thinking about him... almost as if I didn't have a choice in the matter. I could vividly see his face in my minds eye and I remembered the last time I saw him. My Grandpa used-to always wink at us when we would come over. To me, it was his way of letting us know that he loved us and was glad we came to see him. I was at youth group for UnFright Night (or version of Halloween) one year, when my dad came in and told us that we had to leave because my Grandpa was going to leave us soon. I ran out the door and got in the van. He had been in the hospital for several days, so it wasn't that unexpected, but it was still sad. I remember sitting in the waiting room and looking out the window, writing in my head. Anyways, the last time I saw him alive was that night. I went to into his room, they had him hooked up and you could tell he was struggling. I cried so hard. I can only to this day remember crying that hard and true two other times in my life. Once for joy, the other for sorrow. He winked at me while he was laying there, though. I could have missed that wink, but I didn't. God wanted me to see that, and I believe it to this day. I wasn't all that close with my Grandpa, but I knew he loved me. I miss him.
Anyways, I just couldn't stop thinking about him last night. And I thought about that wink, and then about a picture I had taken of him. The last picture I had of him. It was from the Christmas before (He died the next October). And then it all went away and I fell back to sleep. It was strange. Then, today I went to a friends house. She is leaving for Moody Bible Institute (Chicago) very soon, but, oddly enough, on the way to her house, I saw the friend I talked about in my last post. I hadn't seen them in a while, but I saw them. That was odd and brought about some mixed feelings. Anyways, I went to her house because she leaves on Saturday, and I wanted to spend some time with her. She wasn't home when I got there, but I talked with me her mom for a while and got to hear her heart behind her daughter leaving. She was upset, but she knows this is where God wants her daughter to be. And I couldn't agree more with her. But it is still very sad thinking about Lauren leaving and not seeing her at work all the time. Things are so quiet without her, and it's almost... abnormal. It made me sad to think about it.
To change the mood of things a bit, I left Lauren's house and went driving. I had a full tank, a new CD, and just felt like driving. I rolled my windows down, and just drove. It was nice, the hum of my car, the night bugs, and God. It was so peaceful. Then I turned my CD back on and sang Ashes and Flames by John Mark McMillan, La Vie En Rose by Louis Armstrong, When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out by Copeland, and No Air. I had it turned up just enough so that I couldn't hear myself singing :) It was nice. Just me and God and then a bunch of random songs that had no relation to each other whatsoever. This is one of my new favorite pastimes.
One of the lines in the McMillan song is: There's not a promise I'm keeping that could ever repay you.
That line speaks so much. How many times do we promise we will do something for God if He will do something for us, I mean, even if we do go through with our promises, what could we possibly have that God would want or require of us? Nothing. It is only by His strength that we can do anything.
I know I made those kind of promises when I was younger, and I'm sure I still do today, but they just don't come in the same form as "God, I promise that f you do this, I'll do this"
I'm glad that our God has some imagination when he looks at me.
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