"I had to find you, tell you I need you... tell you I've set you apart..."

I wrote this post last night (or early this morning). I find I write best at night- my head seems clear and my thoughts run freely with no distractions of the day. I'm about to be pretty honest (well, as honest as I would get on a blog). A few months back, I probably never would have posted something like this, but I feel like it kinda keeps me accountable. I mean, I have God, but to declare it in public kinda seems like I'm acknowledging it. I can declare something to God, but if I mess it up, God is the only one who knows. With people, if I declare something, they will watch and wait to criticize the moment I mess up. It's a system that has it's pros and cons, but pretty much works. Ok! Now to go a bit further on that bunny trail... I'm not really admitting something here, (well, maybe I am just a bit), I am actually just letting you know what God is doing in me. You may not care, but I like to write, and when I feel an urge to write something other than silliness, I usually put it here (it saves paper :) So, here we go:

I’ve been growing this past week and a half. Here are some of the ways in which I have/things that have been pointed out:

1. I had a really in-depth and sincere conversation in not necessarily a place I wouldn’t have expected, but more or less a place that I normally wouldn’t have looked because of a fear of it being uncomfortable.  I underestimated this person, and I now know that we have a lot in common, and I think God is going to use that to change things up in youth group... and hopefully the community. It was a situation that I never would have found myself in if I had not trusted God to take those reigns and steer me in every which direction.

2. I underestimate my siblings. They are amazing. My brother wrote a song. Lyrics and music; he played it at the moving-up ceremony/graduation. Shelby dedicated a dance (it was so cute and coordinated) to Kristian, and Kristian and Jonah sang “Realize” by Colbie Calliat. Kristian has a voice on her, and I’m glad she finally used it with no encouragement or pleading from the rest of my family.

3. I surprised even myself and gave a speech at Kristian and Nicole’s graduation. I messed up my reading of Robert Frost’s poem “A Road Less Traveled” by not explaining why I read it to them, but people still complimented me on it. I'm hoping that maybe speech class won't be as hard to conquer as I though... and maybe now I'll learn how to talk (better) with people one-on-one. I am awful at creating small talk.

4. I was told that I am more outspoken this year than I was last year. I don’t like the word “outspoken.” If it is used to describe me personally, I take it to mean that I speak my mind in a rude manner. When it is put on someone else, I take it to mean that they are sociable and easy to talk to. They are those that can get along with anyone in any setting. Those that know everyone and can do anything they set their minds to.

5. I am a very naïve and childish person. I live in my own little world. I do many childish things... and I really noticed while I was at the beach... it made me embarrassed that I act the way I do. As I do this fake thing I like to call “growing up,” I pretend to handle things, but instead, when they aren’t as I picture/imagine them to be, I just get angry or moody. I get angry at myself, but it comes out on others. I don't know why I try so hard to be perfect. I know I can't be in my own strength. This has been happening a lot in the past few moths. It needs to stop. Now.

6. I have been living life in the fast lane. Not because I want to, however, but because it feels like I have to. I wish for one day where I could just sew, read, or write. All day.

7. I used to be afraid to tell people that I like to write and that I wanted to be a writer. Mainly because I felt it was one thing that was a part of me that no one else knew. It was my secret: between me and God. I can’t say that has changed, I still feel that way, but for some reason, I’ve run into a lot of people lately that want to do the same thing: write. Now, I don’t plan on letting anyone read anything I’ve written. I’m not that silly J But, I’ve never been good at small talk, and it would seem God is trying to break me of that by letting me know that I can relate to people if I just try. 

8. By the Grace of God, I made it out of this semester with a 3.75. By the grace of God.

On a side note, my first day of Summer Daycamp was kinda boring... I'm used to being around lots of people, but were pretty much one-on-one during the summer. There are 4 groups (of about 20) kindergartners. A new girl named Renee and I lead the K2 group. My kids are good. They really are. I told them so several times today. I think it is going to be a fun group to get to know :) I'm excited, and I really hope God can use me to minister to these kids... even if they aren't in a place like Nicaragua... and don't have the access (to God) and freedoms we have. I don't wan tot get caught up in the motions of just reading a book to these kids, but I want them to see my love and passion for them when I read about Ralph S. Mouse. I want them to know that I will not let anything happen to them as long as they are in my sight, and I want to listen to every word they say... even if it is a silly question. I'm not at Daycamp to merely show these kids in which direction they can find snack, the playground, or the bathroom in an emergency... but I am here to show them Jesus... and to use words only when necessary. Tomorrow will only be day two... but I am excited :) And- if God gives me a silent summer (a.k.a one where He wants me to sit back and watch and observe rather than talking with friends), then so be it. I am so ready for it!

Oh, and I've never really thought about these lyrics before (although I've heard them countless times). It just hit me yesterday when I was walking around Wal-Mart singing them: "My Jesus, I love Thee. I know Thou art mine." God belongs to us, and we belong to Him. I've always thought about us belonging to God... but for me, it puts a new spin on things to say that He belongs to me. He is my Dad. Sure, He may be yours too... but it was just a really cool thought. It hit a personal bone in my body. Its funny what little things God can do to prove His love for us. Things that have been there all along... but we just never "got" them because maybe we weren't ready. Anyways...

*sigh*

breathe in